[Ben Reeve Lewis is facing an inspection …]
Frazzy and I had a property inspection this week. A routine affair for the people doing it I’m sure but a bit of a trauma for us.
An inspector calls
I am new to this renting malarkey, previously always having owned my own home but recession and relationship breakdown has brought me to this rather late in life.
Frazzy owns a house with her elderly disabled mum but she doesn’t earn enough to get a second mortgage and I can’t get one on my own, so renting it is, for the time being.
Inspections are a queer fish.
On the one hand I understand the landlord’s need to make sure that there isn’t anything structural that we failed to notice.
But on the other hand is the admittedly emotive response of middle aged people, a current home owner herself in Frazzy’s case, being treated like children, as if they can’t be trusted not to swing from the chandeliers…..not that we have a chandelier you understand………it fell down last Christmas when we got pissed and swung from it.
Doing the job that I do and seeing the things that I see I can’t help getting the paranoid, sleep disturbing idea that the landlord is looking for ways to get rid of us and nick our deposit. Frazzy too has been losing sleep over it. The curse of Assured Shorthold Tenancies, where you can lose your home without ever having done anything wrong.
The fact that there isn’t a single penny in rent arrears and you could eat your dinner out of the toilet (which of course we frequently do just to make a point) pails into insignificance at the prospect of “An inspector calls”.
Rant over….to the news.
The Mail is outraged
The Daily Mail excelled itself this week with a title that made me laugh out loud
“Outrage after BBC helps paedophile find a luxury home in ‘Escape to the Country’ so he can become an alpaca farmer”
Ha-ha. I like to think that the Daily Mail journos had a laugh coming up with that one. Conversely I hate to think they were genuinely outraged. Having once had the grave misfortune to spend 10 minutes talking to Peter Hitchens at a party you never know.
The very real fact was that after filming, the person in question Darren Robinson was jailed for 30 months on eight counts of having sex with a 15 year old. Robinson apparently hid the impending trial from the programme makers.
Quite why the BBC should in some way be responsible for this beggar’s belief. The article goes on to quite reasonably state:
“House-hunters applying to be on the programme are asked to provide details to the BBC before they are featured on the popular daytime show, made by Boundless Productions.”
Adding:
“The online application form does not ask for details of spent convictions or for any pending criminal charges.”
And why the hell should they? The Mail typically yells:
“Father-of-one Robinson demanded a four-bedroom house with period features”
Can we just examine that a bit? He wasn’t fetching up at the homelessness unit “Demanding” a 4 bed house for him, his partner and their 1 child. He was buying it, so surely he can “Demand” exactly what he likes?
Cunningly the article also has a section in blue titled “More”, which then links you to two other stories that begin:
“This predator should be in jail for seducing my son”
And
“Why did police chiefs keep quiet?”
But when you click on the links they are nothing to do with Mr Robinson’s story, although the blue font makes it stand out from the main text and leads you to believe there are further scurrilous connections.
I recently had a chat with a friend from New York who asked in genuine consternation whose views the Daily Mail represents. I won’t repeat my reply here.
And before anyone gets shirty I’m not defending Mr Robinson’s sex crimes, just pointing out how to deconstruct a Daily Mail article.
Choosing a flatmate
Now over to my favourites in dark times, Planet Property who carried another headline that made me laugh out loud:
“Wanted: Awesome, nudist, vegan flatmates with banter”
An article based on the keywords tenants stick into search engines when looking for a new property, culled from research by the ever expanding ‘Spare room.com’.
Some of the more hopeful fantasists search for ‘Food included’, or for some bizarre reasons ‘Naked’.
31% are Irish, Spanish or Christian and 39% are vegetarian cyclists who love music.
If ever there was a cautionary tale about house sharing then the prospect of cosying up with a Christian cyclist who listens to Coldplay would be it for me. I’ll pay the excess rent for my own front door…….behind which I can mend a puncture to the sound of ‘A rush of blood to the head’ , breaking off occasionally to pray to the saviour, to take me into his tender care as soon as possible.
Beds in (posh) sheds
Staying with Planet Property my interest was piqued by their report of a property a mile up the road from me. A shed in Forest Hill SE23 going for £300,000…..yes you read that right.
Planet Property quite rightly point to estate agents Roy Brooks and their reputation for sometimes hilarious “Spade a spade” house descriptions which go back to the real Roy of the 1930s and this current guff:-
“SUPER-STYLED self-contained detached mini house in a rather excellent spot. Design junkies will love this wood-clad home; it’s a mini-house that would suit a young couple perfectly, having huge advantages over similarly priced apartments in the area. Since this is detached, you can turn your music up. You have your own garden – it wraps around the property from the front, along one side and to the rear.”
Have a look at the article tell me….is that a shed or what? My particular favourite there is “Design junkies will love this wood-clad home;” ha-ha. How about describing a tent as “Coco Chanel inspired fabric based dwelling”.
Going up
Forest Hill, Brockley, Honor Oak et al have really come on the market in the past couple of years since the East London Line linked Croydon to Islington by way of Brick Lane, Hoxton and Shoreditch.
All the trendy Spanish, vegetarian, Christian cyclists who can’t afford the east end make-over are suddenly heading to south east London, an area previously known only for street crime, crack houses and ‘Dodgy geezers’.
Having spent my entire life growing up in an area which when mentioned, caused people to either giggle or discreetly tell their partners to go outside and make sure they have locked the car I have mixed feelings about the gentrification.
When telling a few people lately that I am from Deptford, land of Millwall FC, I have been noticing a few impressed, arched eyebrows instead of the double checked fastening on the purse. People seem more interested in the notion that growing up around the defunct docks might just have been a shrewd business move on my part, rather than just where I happened to be born.
Such is life when you live in a society obsessed with housing as an investment opportunity, while the notion of a ‘Home’, plays second fiddle.
Inspections have nothing to do with making sure there are no property defects and everything to do with making sure you are not trashing the place or growing any suspicions house plants.
Great article Ben.
Thanks for the real-world heads up Jamie. I suspected as much but was just trying to be fair.
In practice the woman who did it stepped inside the front door and gave the place the most cursory of once-overs. I dont even think she went into every room. The whole thing took less than two minutes, maybe even less than one. I think upon entering it was obvious that we were normal and that was all she was looking for.
I dont know how much she charged the agents for that but it looked like very easy money to me. Maybe I should give up chasing rogue landlords and do inventories and inspections instead.
Thanks Ben I always love reading your newsround. This one had me laughing out loud.
Just so you know we always treat tenants with the greatest of respect, especially when doing inspections. You know it is their home and you’re not there to check if they’ve done the washing up and vacuumed.
As James says, its about making sure that no suspicious plants are being grown, the house is being used as a home and that you haven’t moved half the neighbourhood in.
We often sit and have a chat with the tenants. This is usually when they say “Oh I’ve been meaning to tell you………, it’s just a little thing and didn’t want to bother you” We’ve been informed about wasps nests, leaking sinks, electrics not working etc..
With regards to flat sharing we use Spareroom quite a lot. Its a great source for room share accommodation. As the article pointed out some of the adverts make interesting reading 🙂
Enjoy your weekend
Laughed out loud at “The Inspector Calls”, very good. I know the feeling, a bit like I always feel a bit apprehensive when I overtake a police car on the Motorway doing exactly 70 mph, not doing anything wrong but feeling uneasy neverthless.
But like Traffic Police, Landlords are not looking for trouble, inspections are just to keep you on your toes like that Jam Sandwich in the inside lane.
Oh, and the 6 month AST isn’t really a curse, without them there really would be a shortage of property to rent.
I know what you mean Richard. I remember years back throwing a sickie and whilst out shopping walked into a uniformed cop and did a quick stomach turning twist for a brief second until logic kicked in and reminded me it wasnt a criminal offence.
A bit curious on your comment about inspections being about keeping tenants “On their toes” though. We are human beings, not Meerkats
Of course the vast majority of tenants don’t need to be “kept on their toes” by inspections and you obviously don’t, but I’ve had a few who unfortunately do need to be treated like naughty children who haven’t kept their bedroom tidy!
But Richard isnt that argument a bit like landlords complaining that licensing affects the vast majority of good landlords just to deal with the few bad ones?
I say without any rancour. Its a conundrum that has bothered me for many years now – this strange relationship between landlords and tenants where mistrust and even hatred on both sides seems to be the norm. I have long thought that if I could figure out why both sides so often felt this way I might be able to devise sort sort of solution.
A while back I bumped into a tenant I had long forgotten about who I had helped in some way. He shook my hand and thanked me. I asked him what his new landlord was like, he just shrugged gave an old fashioned look and a snort of a laugh and said “Landlord isnt he”. As if that was all that needed to be said.
But this morning, as I was pondering getting up to reply to your comment I think I found the answer to my years long conundrum.
I think its just human nature.
I work in the council’s homeless unit. The people we see day in day out are how we get paid but you should hear the things we say about them haha. We have a saying in our office “I used to love my mother until I found out she was a member of the public”.
Professional musicians, which I used to be, have little regard for music journalists.People in the military, which my sister used to be, are often dismissive of civilians same with cops and the public.
I’ve decided it isnt such a conundrum after all. It simply comes down to in-groups and out-groups, where we feel we belong. Landlords and tenants will always feel like this about each other.
If you are a landlord who has suffered a tenant trashing your home or heard tales from other landlords, why wouldnt you build a note of caution into your future dealings with tenants? similarly if you are tenant who has ever been ripped off or harassed by a landlord who can blame you for being wary of all landlords?
So thank you Richard…..you have just solved a problem I’ve had for many years.
Ha, ha, well I’m happy I was able to help you Ben. 🙂
I think I’m a very fair landlord but I remember assuming in the early days that my tenants were all like me, fair and honest. I could now give you dozens of examples of things that have happened that have made me realise that it’s naive to assume this.
As one example, a Housing Benefit tenant who had a “trash” party where they invited all their friends round to trash the property and did a runner the next day. Cost to put right £12k. There was no way of course I could prove this to bring a prosecution and as they had no money trying to get recompense was futile. The full story was told to me by a neighbour “off the record” some months later.
This hasn’t destroyed my faith in human nature, I think most people are decent, but I now vet tenants much more carefully, require Guarantors in every case and inspect all properties regularly. Which is where we started I think!
I was talking today to a mate at work, a very devout Muslim called Noor. He condemns all violence but wonders himself about trust in human nature and the pragmatic question of how to protect yourself in a corupt world.
He says there is a saying in Islam that covers this perfectly “Trust to god, but tie up your camel”.
On ‘Trash parties’ yeah I’ve heard of these….how appalling. I was involved in a recent case where the police told me about a flat in a tower block that had been twice advertised on social media sites @ £20 a ticket for a party. This flat had previously run as a cannabis factory – obviously selling their wares at the same time. All the neighbouring flats were elderly people.
I think what I despair of generally is people’s evident lack of respect for each other. Landlords – tenants – agents etc but as I say above……that’s the modern condition so much of the time. Where’s that damned camel when you need him haha